AcademiUUGGGH

This was performed last night with fellow local writer Deb Jannerson, whose own book Rabbit Rabbit, was just recently released. Check her out! Just not in the way this guy did.

AcademiUUGGGH
by Zach Bartlett

1

Poets don’t need frilled shirts and giant quills,
I now sit with my laptop shining bright.
I only hope the typed-up verse instills
desire to go home with me tonight.
Such women flock this bar that I may woo
them with my rather dull poetic chops.
Show them blank verse confessionals I do,
then watch their little freshmen panties drop.
Don’t mind that I’ve a graduate degree,
and they attend the same school where I teach.
Oh, it’s a leggy blonde one that I see —
She’ll fawn once I start quoting “Dover Beach!”
If my Apple’s not enough to convince,
I’ll make a Greek mythology reference.

2

I come here with my girlfriends every week,
primarily because they never card.
But usually, I’m hit on by some geek
who wants to get laid and tries way too hard.
That guy’s been watching me since we arrived.
I think… he’s an adjunct at UNO?
He got to be at least, like, thirty five.
You’d think at some point these teachers would go
for someone their own age, but I guess not.
Oh god, looks like he’s headed over here
to try to buy me a Fireball shot.
I’ll have to perse-fuckinggoddamn-vere.
Someone tell him he barks up the wrong tree —
tonight, I’m going home with Tiffany!

3

“Why hello there, I don’t think that I’ve seen
you here before. I really dig your style.”

Up close, his hair has a gross, oily sheen.
“Thanks,” I say, with obviously-forced smile.

I didn’t get this far by giving in
when someone doesn’t show any interest.
“Aren’t you in Dr. Williams’ fall session?”

All this time, he’s been staring at my breasts.
“Yeah, it’s going alright,” I say, then turn
away and hope that he might take the cue.

She’s trying to blow me off, I won’t be spurned.
What poems I can quote that she might… knew?

Watch him call me Aphrodite, or Hestia.

Whatever it will take the see the breasts of ya.

4

“I’d chase you like Apollo for Daphne.”

“Well, you should probably make like her and leaf.”

“But you’ve captured me just like Ariadne.”

“I… don’t even know who that is, capiche?”

“You’ve got this sort of radiance, y’know?
Your charisma’s like some magnetic field.”

“It’s not magnets so much as a light show;
big yellow flashing lights. The signal: YIELD!”

“Are you sure you haven’t done modeling?”

“Not unless you hid cameras in dorm showers.”
He’s starting to get really annoying.

And now, hear me compare her mouth to flowers!
She’s warmed to me even if she don’t know it.

Like hell anyone warms to you, you broet.

5

“You think you fan the flames of our desire
and offer us your gilded boots to knock.
We all see you’re a sexual dumpster fire
who spends his evenings cumming in old socks,
and can’t relate to women his own age
because they see through his games easily.”

This one’s rather difficult to engage —
I’ll best her with logic! “Well, ACTUALLY-”

“Don’t start with that corrective daddy tone.
Finish your drink, and take mine, what the heck.
You’ll need it while you stumble home. Alone.
And while you’re back there, get your gaydar checked!”
I leave with my friends, and feel glad I said it.

(sigh) I’m going to find some hentai porn on Reddit.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s