The XXX Files

Esoterotica’s fandom-themed show opened with this duet I co-wrote with the producer.
If any of you want to conduct your own investigation, you can find plenty of suspicious objects at: shop.dynamotoys.com

Mulder: Scully, I think we have enough evidence to reopen the Saint Claude case.

Scully: Wasn’t that the one about the conspicuously stress-free women?

Mulder: Someone claiming to be a witness has finally come forward with photographic evidence of the mysterious object that was reportedly present at each of the incident sites.

(Mulder shows the audience a blurry photo:

MakeThisBlurrier )

Mulder: Evidently it’s being referred to as “a magic wand.”

Scully: Oh God, Mulder, no, that’s a-

Mulder: Five different women, all living within a couple block’s radius of each other. Their partners have corroborated that the victims experienced similar symptoms: Shortness of breath, decreased motor function in the lower extremities, sudden coloration appearing on the face and chest, with some even repeating the same word or phrase over and over uncontrollably.

Scully: Did that phrase happen to be, “Oh God, yes more”?

Mulder: At the most recent incident, the victim reportedly started shaking her head back and forth while keening like a banshee. Scully, I’ve never seen anything like this.

Scully: With what you do for fun, that doesn’t surprise me.

Mulder: We need to trace the timeline of the exposures to figure out where this object originated. What if the symptoms continue to escalate? We could be looking at a serious epidemic.

Scully: Yes, an epidemic. Of satisfied women. The horror.

Mulder: As a doctor I don’t understand why you’re not taking this more seriously. This could be anything — a missing piece of that alien spaceship we discovered 15 years ago? An artifact from a lost civilization?

Scully: Have you been watching Warehouse 13 again?

Mulder: No! I just think we should do some research to find out where this thing came from.

Scully: Dynamo Toys.

Mulder: What?

Scully: There’s a store called Dynamo Toys near the incident sites. That’s most likely where it came from. At least that’s where I got mine.

Mulder: Scully, you’ve come in contact with this object?!

Scully: Uh, in a manner of speaking.

Mulder: Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Scully: Because it’s kind of fucking personal! I don’t ask you how often you play with your “lone gunman!”

Mulder: The four of us have a meeting every Thursday.

Scully: (facepalm)

Mulder: Does the object exhibit any strange physical properties?

Scully: Well it has two different speed settings if that’s what you mean, and there’s a few after market attachments I’ve heard about…

Mulder: Have you experienced any of the symptoms?

Scully: …a couple nights a week, yeah.

Mulder: You’re going to have to be quarantined with the others.

Scully: You quarantined them? No! Mulder, you were on Red Shoe Diaries, you should know better than this.

Mulder: It’s going to be okay Scully, we can solve this before your symptoms progress. I mean, we managed to catch a Chupacabra last week; we can figure this out.

Scully: That was the janitor cleaning up after the goat you left leashed in the parking lot overnight! Mulder, listen, this isn’t some sacred relic from Atlantis, or an alien hand mixer discovered in Antarctica, or even a government plot to subdue the masses with perpetual ecstasy, it’s-

Mulder: The shadow government? I didn’t even think of that! Scully, you know what this could mean? We could finally have proof that agents within our very organization are manipulating the brainwaves of an unsuspecting populace to nefarious ends! We’ve got to move fast before they realize we’re on to them and start destroying evidence. While you’re getting deloused, I’m going to try to find out what I can from Dynamo Toys.

Scully: Y’knooow, as a precautionary measure, maybe you should just commandeer the whole store. Send all their product back here for research purposes. I mean, I’ve already been exposed to it, so it would be safest if I were to conduct any further tests.

Mulder: Excellent idea! If they have one alien device, who knows what else they might be hiding?

Scully: Probably a couple Rabbits. Maybe a Butterfly.

Mulder: Do you think this disease is communicable by local animal populations, too?

Scully: (Sigh) Just go, now. You’ll need to hurry if you want to catch a flight from Vancouver to New Orleans.

Mulder: But we’re based out of D.C.

Scully: Oh, you really are gullible.

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