This was a duet co-written with another Esoterotica performer, Nick Merlin, which is why it’s in script format this time. He showed up the night of the performance wearing a frilly shirt, black cloak, and plastic vampire teeth.
Nocturnal Admissions: Creepers of the Night
by Zach Bartlett & Nick Merlin
NICK: T’was a night in lonesome April that I did ponder my romantic exegesis over a decanter of Pernod at the Dragon’s Den. Gravely did my eyes take in the dank surroundings until they alighted on a previously-unseen missive affixed by the door. “Late Night Psychoanalysis, Yes I’ll Talk About Sex Problems,” it read, and advertised a 10% service industry discount on Thursdays. Seeking relief from the sorrow which weighed my soul, I snatched it from the wall and took flight.
ZACH: Most places they say the freaks come out at night, but there’s plenty of day-walking freaks in New Orleans, so what comes out at night here can be well beyond the boundaries that, say, Vermont has for freakdom. I thought I’d had some free time between appointments that night, but there was a knock at the office door. I opened the peep window and saw a pale man draped in a crushed velvet cape, smiling through plastic teeth and holding one of my flyers.
NICK: Good evening, sir. I’ve called to enquire as to whether you accept drop-in appointments?
ZACH: I told him drop-ins were cash only. He took out a wallet to show me, which was attached to his belt by a long chain. I opened the door. He stood there expectantly for a moment, then said-
NICK: (kind of embarrassed) You have to, uh. . . I can’t enter a home unless I’m invited in.
ZACH: I had friends with weirder kinks than that. I formally invited him in to my office and showed him to the couch, then took my usual seat and began my stopwatch.
ZACH: So, what brings you here…
NICK: I am Vincent Grimscribe.
ZACH: ‘Kay. What brings you here, Vinnie?
NICK: I find my heart enthralled by the charms of another! But she’s an elegant Lasombra and I, I am a mere Toreador. Should our dark brethren discover our tryst, they’ll surely have us burned for such insubordinate relations.
ZACH: You’re going to have to unpack that a little bit.
NICK: We are of two separate clans which are political rivals.
ZACH: I’m not sure that this is a real thing you’re talking about.
NICK: (breaking character) Look, I’m in an ongoing Vampire the Masquerade game with this girl Mary and, well, I kind of have a crush on her and don’t know how to approach her about it without making things awkward.
ZACH: You said you were already in a relationship.
NICK: No, that’s Mistress Seraphina and Vincent Grimscribe.
ZACH: That’s you, though?
NICK: No, that’s me in the game.
ZACH: So who am I helping, here?
NICK: The characters we’re already playing in the game are involved in a relationship against our clans’ wishes.
ZACH: Kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but you guys are faking death for the entirety of the play.
NICK: Yeah, I guess? So we’ve had to roleplay together a lot to move the story along and, over a couple weeks, I’ve developed a pretty big crush on her.
ZACH: So if you try to make a move, she’ll think it’s just part of the game.
NICK: Maybe, but what if she rejects me! The Council of Clans would send a Dark Inquisitor for me, and then I’d have to spend all of my Blood Points to-
ZACH: What are the real-world consequences?
NICK: This world is merely an illusion!
ZACH: You know what I mean.
NICK: They’d probably just boot me from the game.
ZACH: Well, it’s not usually advisable to get romantically involved with somebody you have a professional relationship with, like co-workers. I suppose this scenario is rather like that.
NICK: But I’m totes crushing on her! She’s gorgeous, I’d be nuts for her even if she couldn’t beat me at Wheel of Time trivia! It’s just. . . the way that the fluorescent light catches the curve of her bust line when she’s wearing that corset. The silky, fluid motion of her wrist when she’s rolling a handful of dice. It just, (leans in & whispers) it makes me want to have SEX.
ZACH: If you’re really considering this, there’s two things you’ll need to figure out. First: do you think the feeling is mutual?
NICK: She likes an awful lot of my posts on Facebook.
ZACH: But does she show any other signs of romantic interest in person?
NICK: Like what?
ZACH: (thinks, then is visibly at a loss) So the second thing you’ll need to consider is the least awkward way to make your feelings known.
NICK: Like giving her flowers and a blood vial pendant?
ZACH: This is outside of the game, keep in mind.
NICK: So just the flowers, then? In front of a lot of people to show my dedication!
ZACH: Ohh no, just. . . you do see each other in person outside of the game, right?
NICK: Yes, occasionally.
ZACH: Well next time you’re hanging out together, just say ‘look: I like you, do you like me?’ Just bring it out into the daylight.
ZACH: Pardon my word choice.
NICK: Should I at least make a grand entrance? Seeming to materialize out of the fog which hangs heavy over the moors?
ZACH: Just be yourself. Not Vincent Grimscribe. You aren’t trying to date Mistress Seraphina, you’re trying to date Mary.
NICK: Right. And then. . . sex?
ZACH: You mean, like, right then in the coffee shop?
NICK: Yeah, we just shake hands on the dating thing and then we get to do sex.
ZACH: Ohhhhh dear. Do you have any prior life experience to draw from here?
ZACH: Okay. Well. . . how did Vincent Grimsad and Lady Angelface consummate their relationship in the game?
NICK: Ah. Well, first I presented her with a chalice of finest-
ZACH: No chalices. Look, if you’re both interested in each other as actual people and enjoy each other’s company then. . . sex finds a way.
NICK: (slow realization dawns) As though it’s lurking in the shadows, stalking, waiting for the right moment to pounce and overtake us. It’s like sex is the real vampire here!
NICK: Like in a horror movie, we just have to be having a great time together and at the climactic moment, we become sex’s victims!
ZACH: Use whatever metaphor works for you, but if the time is right. . . y’know, actually there’s one thing that’ll help you on that front. (Holds out an empty cup.) Out with ’em.
NICK: (Reluctantly removes fake vampire teeth. Leaves stage, flapping his cape like wings.)