by Zach Bartlett
Hate to be that guy, but I know we discussed appropriate noise levels when you moved in. I didn’t get it in writing or anything, but you seemed to be cool with me expecting you to behave like a responsible adult. So do you think it would be possible for you to wear headphones when you watch porn?
Now, I’m not a nosy guy. As my Grandpa said: do whatever you want as long as you aren’t out in the middle of the street scaring the horses. But I can hear porn from your room while I’m in my room. Originally I thought you were just a fan of horror movies and, hey, maybe we’d have something to talk about. Then after a bit of listening I realized I was hearing the wrong kind of womens’ shouts and moans.
If I heard you actually having sex with a partner, I’d understand. Actual sex is something you kinda want your roommates to hear. It’s a primal thing, like asserting your status as the silverback Alpha-Roomie. Letting people know when you’re having a one-man sock-hop? That’s Gamma-Roomie behavior. I’ve started subconsciously flexing when you’re around just to further show my dominance.
And it’s not like what you’re watching is the kind of porn worth bragging about. Based on the intervals of noise and silence I hear every time that you’re jackin’ the beanstalk, I’m fairly certain you’re just watching a bunch of 10-second BangBros preview clips. I suppose you have to cut some corners if you’re putting the Kleenex kids through college.
But seriously, next time when you decide to give yourself a low five, please wear headphones. Hell, if you get a pair of Beats By Dre then the joke writes itself.
P.S. I know it’s my turn to buy the toilet paper and I’ll pick up a 24-pack for you, Tiger!
No hard feelings. Pun intended.